My Hands

As I started to write just now I looked down and was startled. How did my mother’s hands get attached to the ends of my arms? I don’t feel older, but these hands are her old hands. The blood vessels look like blue cords, the threads of muscles that work my fingers look like tight-ropes and the skin is loose and soft just like Mother's. Like I said, my mother’s hands have somehow become attached to my arms. These hands are not the young strong hands that used to be on the ends of my arms.
For many years I’ve watched these hands do dishes, wring out diapers (That’s right—no disposable diapers when I began mothering. You young mothers don’t know how lucky you are!) I’ve watched them knit, crochet and do all kinds of hand work. I’ve washed garden soil off them and once in a great while painted the nails. I’ve adorned the fingers with rings and the wrists with bracelets. Through tears that distorted their shape I’ve looked at these hands clenched in front of me as I prayed. And more times than I wish, I’ve watched cuts and burns slowly heal on these hands.

But the best memories are of these fingers softly caressing a sleeping child’s cheek. Or of Mr. J slipping a ring on my finger as we stand beside an altar. Or of these fingers patting my dying father on the shoulder as a final goodbye. Or of little people kissing my hands as I tucked them into bed. So many wonderful memories now adorn these hands.

Yes, these hands have turned into my mother’s hands but I’m grateful. Her hands did all those things too, and they did even more than that for me. I just pray that someday my daughters will look at their hands and see mine and be grateful. What more could a mother wish for?

Hurray for Family!

I grew up in the hey-day of the feminist movement and the ERA. I heard all the talk about women and careers and rights and equality. I heard famous women bad mouthing women who stayed home and baked cookies. I heard it all but I’m so glad I didn’t listen to it all. Granted there were some major steps forward that I’m glad were accomplished for women. There were major problems such as unequal pay and prejudice in the job market. Some of those things still need to be better. But at the same time some of the things advocated were detrimental to women and I’ve lived long enough now that I’ve seen some things unfold and unravel. 

For one thing, I am so grateful that I had a large family. My children bring me so much joy and happiness and I ache for friends and others who opted to not have children or to not have many because of the demeaning rhetoric coming from the feminist movement. Yes, children can break your heart. Yes, they are expensive. Yes, they make mistakes. But anything in life that is worthwhile has its opposition and heartaches. Nothing good comes easy.

At this stage of life, with the rearing and raising behind me, I can honestly say that motherhood is one of the most enduring and fantastic joys of life. I love watching my children serve each other. I love seeing how they love and pray for one another. I love how even though they are scattered around the world they stay in contact with each other and support each other. I feel like John who said, “I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth” (3 John 1:4).

Happy Mother's Day!

If any of you are dreading Mother's Day, 

apply the Truth Tools and enjoy!

This is a day to rejoice in the fact that there are mothers. 
It isn't about YOU; it is about mothering. 
Whatever your situation, 
rejoice and give thanks for mothers.

Discovering Your Strengths

Last entry, I wrote about mothering according to your own strengths. In other words, if you are musical and like music, teach your children music and interact with them through music. If you are good at sports, then by all means center your nurturing around sports. Plan time each week to throw balls around. It’s your job! Make it fun.
But what if you don’t know what your strengths are? How can you identify them? Usually your strengths are the things you enjoy doing most, but there is a more scientific approach that is also fun. If you are having trouble identifying your strengths, take a simple personal strengths test. Go to www.authentichappiness.com and register. It is free and no one will send you unsolicited emails. This is a web site sponsored by the University of Pennsylvania and is based on the research of Dr. Martin Seligman, a psychologist who is largely responsible for the new movement toward Positive Psychology.
There are many fun tests you can take on the web site, but the one I am referring to is the VIA Signature Strengths Test. After taking the survey, you will be told your top three strengths such as creativity or discipline. Once you know what these are, ponder on ways to include them in your interactions with your children. Your nurturing will always be more sincere and rewarding if it is accomplished in the course of something you enjoy doing, not just something you feel is your duty to do.
As a mother, you choose how to mother–how to nurture. There is no set way to do it. It is as individualized as all of us. So, incorporate your strengths into your mothering and watch what happens! Not only will your mothering be more exciting; so will life!
Experiment. Enjoy. Include your children in what you love. After all, God sent this son or daughter to you because He knew you were the very best person to raise that particular children. If He’d wanted them influenced by your neighbors strengths, He would have sent them to your neighbor!
As you attempt to do this, the adversary will haunt you with thoughts of your weaknesses. Don’t even think about them. Forget all about your weaknesses. Dwelling on weaknesses accomplishes nothing positive at all–it will only depress and discourage you. The truth is that the best way to overcome a weakness is to drown it in a strength! So push any though of failings out of your head by thinking about your strengths. Identify them. Find ways to use them in your mothering, and enjoy the journey.

On Being A Full Time Mom

Being a full time mother is an amazing occupation. If you have the privilege of being one, give thanks now! Not everyone is so blessed. I am extremely grateful that I was able to stay home with my children and am even more grateful that all of my daughters and my daughter-in-law are also full time moms. But that doesn’t mean I don’t remember or know that like every other career mothering has a down side. There are definitely frustrations, mundane and even tedious aspects to mothering, but one of the things I realize more and more is that as mothers we often make the job more mundane and tedious than it needs to be.
For one thing, too often we define what it means to be a mother by what our mother did or by what the mothers around us do. We think we have to replicate their methods. But as a mother you are in charge and should run your home like a good business executive runs a business. And how is that? You run it according to your strengths.
My mother was very disciplined and loved a spotlessly clean house. She, in large part, defined her role as a mother as that of a housekeeper. That served us kids well in many ways. For example, I was never ashamed to bring friends home. I knew the house would always be clean and inviting. As a matter of fact, our home was always the gathering place for friends (besides being a great housekeeper, Mom was a social person who enjoyed having people around).
When I first had children, I thought I had to keep house like Mom did which meant doing what most people do for Spring cleaning on a monthly basis. Again and again I tried to keep the discipline and schedule that mother maintained, but I hate house work. It didn’t give me the pleasure it gave Mom to see myself reflected in all the kitchen appliances. For years I felt depressed and like a total failure as a mother because my house wasn’t as clean as hers. What I wasn’t taking into account is that I was doing things she hadn’t. When I finally accepted that a certain level of cleanliness is essential and that I could maintain that level but didn’t have to maintain Mother’s level I gained an enormous amount of peace and it allowed me to concentrate on things like taking my children to the library and playing the piano while they sang–things my mother never did.
What I realize now, is that the best mothers are the ones who recognize their strengths, build their family lives around those strengths and enjoy what they are doing without worrying about the mother next door who is putting every tiny thing the children bring home into a scrapbook. If you like scrap booking-fine. If you don’t–then don’t scrap book. You don’t have to. Identify your own strengths and nurture your children through those strengths. That’s all you have to do!

On Watching My Daughter Mother

I am in Maryland. Since Saturday we have been at our daughter Patrea’s house staying until last night when we came to the University of Maryland University College where Carl is attending a conference. Yesterday we visited the Huntley Meadow’s Nature Preserve and Mt. Vernon with Patrea and her two little boys. She is expecting a little girl in August. Being with her brought back so many memories of my mothering days–the delight of unexpected hugs and kisses, the drain of tired, cross children, the joy of a child’s new feat, the giggles, the whining, the magic, the mystery, the frustration. Everything that comes in the parenting package.
Sadly, I find that my long days of quiet study and solitude have made me impatient with incessant questions from an adorable five year old. Yet, I watched my daughter as she patiently and gently dealt with each question, each concern, each challenge. Her love spills over into the answers she gives even when it is the fourth time a question has been asked. Even though she is pregnant she has much more energy than I have to keep up with the boys physically, and I realize why it is wise to have children while we are young. But besides the physical, maybe another reason we have children when we are young is so that we have time to watch our children parent. It truly is a delight to watch my daughters and son nurture and love their children. They are doing a much better job than I ever did. And to all of you out there raising children, a great big hooray! You are doing God’s work and even though the frustrations are many, the payoffs are incredible.
The child that now saps your energy will someday spend that energy to give someone else love and life. So invest well. Give them all you can, while you can. The child rearing days are over faster than you think and life moves on. You won’t miss the whining and the crying at bed time. But you will miss the hugs, the giggles, the prayers, the whispered secrets, and even the knock-knock jokes.

Dancing in the Rain

Now that my children are grown and all have children of their own, I look back on my days of mothering with different eyes. I do remember the overwhelmed feelings caused by laundry, getting meals on, disciplining, bathing, diapering, finances, homework, and so many other things. But what comes to mind most often now are the good times–the camping trips, sitting around the table after Sunday dinner visiting, snuggling, reading together, and gathering around the piano to sing, I miss those times a lot.
There is one memory that I especially love. Late one night after all the kids were in bed and asleep it started to rain–not just a sprinkle. Water poured down in great streams. I watched for a few minutes out the window as I was getting ready for bed. Light coming from the street lamp on the corner shined magically through the cascading rain and reflected in the large puddles forming on the lawn.
Suddenly, without giving it much thought, I woke up the children and marched them out into the rain. In our pajamas, we lifted our faces to accept the rain’s kiss. We opened our mouths and drank in the heavenly water. We danced, we ran in circles, we splashed, we played airplanes, we laughed, we sang, we joined hands and played ring-around-the-rosies, falling into the puddles and feeling the tickle of wet grass against our legs.
Hearing the laughter Carl joined us and we played until everyone was soaked to the skin. Then we went inside, changed into dry pajamas and drank hot chocolate–still giggling. It was way past bed time and that wasn’t the only family rule broken, but none of that really ever mattered. I can’t remember if we were on time for scripture study the next morning or even on time for school. I don’t remember any burden from washing all those pajamas and towels. All I remember is the love and joy I felt for my children and for my Heavenly Father as we danced in the rain.
Lookingback on my days of mothering, the only regret I now have is that I worried too much about things such as bed time and laundry. I wish I had spent more time dancing in the rain.

Please leave stories of the memory making things you've done with your family for others to see!

They That Be With Mothers

My mother, sister, daughters, friends--all of us mothers!

I delivered ten children and raised nine of them to adulthood. I know all about the pains of motherhood. I know the hurt of losing a child. I know the helpless feeling of caring for a sick child. I know the after curfew anguish of waiting for a late child. I know the humiliation of children making wrong choices. And as you all know there is more pain than that.
But I also know all about the joys of motherhood. I know the delight of hearing a child’s first word. I know the expectant look a toddler gives only to her mother. I still can feel the warmth of small arms around my neck and the words whispered in my ear, “I love you, Mom!” I know the joy of watching my child ride a bicycle for the first time. I know the fun of Saturday mornings with nine kids jostling on our bed for a giggle session before breakfast. I know the deep joy of children learning to do things I can’t do. And there is more joy, much more.
But the most important thing I have learned about motherhood, is that it is part of godhood. Mothers are gods in training and you can’t be in training without there being mentors, teachers, and trainers to guide and help you.
In 2 Kings chapter 6 we read the story of Elisha and his servant awaking one morning to find themselves surrounded by a large army sent by the King of Syria to take them prisoner. Upon seeing the multitude of chariots, horses, armor, and soldiers, the servant was mortified and exclaimed, “Master, what shall we do?”
Elisha was not the least worried and comforted the servant by saying, “Fear not: for they that be with us are more than they that be with them.”
The servant must have wondered about Elisha, but not for long. Elisha prayed for the Lord to open the servant’s eyes so that he could see that the mountain was covered with a heavenly army and that chariots of fire were all around Elisha.
After forty years of mothering, the one thing I know most is that despite the pains that have to be endured, the overwhelming adversity that seems to plague motherhood, the many moments when you throw up your hands in despair thinking, “What shall I do?” you are not alone. If God sent an army to protect one prophet and his servant as they went about doing His work, He is certainly sending you an army to help you raise His children.
The greatest lesson I’ve learned in mothering is to trust in that heavenly army. It is there. Don’t despair. Don’t fret. Don’t give up. Instead, open your eyes and know that the hosts of heaven are helping you. As you accept, trust in, and rejoice in that fact the answers come. The help arrives. The miracles occur. Raising children is God’s work. We as mothers get to help.

A Source for Good

When I was raising my large family there were times when I felt like I’d scream if I heard one more person cry, “Mom!” It felt like somehow mom had become a four-letter word. While pondering these feelings one day, I looked mother up in a dictionary. The word is used as a noun, an adjective, and a verb. (The dictionary was obviously written by men or women without children because it didn’t account for its usage as an expletive.)
As a noun the word means “a female parent” or “a woman in authority.” Those definitions are what we usually think of when we hear the word, but the next definition sums the word up better: mother means “source or origin.”
As maternal mothers we are obviously the source of life, but maternity isn’t all that defines a Latter-day Saint mother. Pres. John A. Widtsoe explained that “motherhood is an eternal part of Priesthood” (Evidences and Reconciliations [Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1960], p. 308.) Therefore, mother is a title all worthy LDS women bear whether they have given birth to children or not. Why? Because besides being a source of life, mothers are a source of love, laughter, comfort, peace, nurturing, and affirmation not just to their own children but to everyone with whom they come in contact. Every woman who is seeking to follow Jesus Christ can define herself as a mother, a source of all that is good.
As the Lord said in his letter to the exiles, “Seek the welfare of the city [situation] where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the Lord on its behalf, for in its welfare you will find your welfare.” As we do whatever good we can in whatever situation we are in, we are a source for good-we are mothering.
In the gospel of Jesus Christ, mothering is about much more than producing children and it isn’t about producing children that never make mistakes. Mothering is about being a source for good. Eve mothered Cain as well as Abel. Rebekah mothered Esau as well as Jacob. Children have their agency and our status as mothers is not determined by their choices. Eve and Rebekah were sources of great good! In addition, Miriam mothered the children of Israel (see Micah 6:4) and Deborah mothered the Israelites and we know nothing of their maternal status. All these women worked for the welfare of the people around them–they were mothers.
Why is this important to understand? Because when we define ourselves by what we do instead of our circumstances or the outcome of what we do, there is great peace and joy in life. Then mothering brings joy. Being a source of goodness is pure delight. Nurturing is what we were created to do and when we do it to the best of our ability, despite how it is received, we can rejoice in our efforts. When we understand this, instead of a disparaging expletive, the word becomes an exclamation of joy: “Mother!”