I've never met a person who doesn't have a problem. Problems seem to be the stuff of life. And problems become the problems. By that I mean that problems overwhelm us and keep us from thinking about others. Problems blind us to the world around us and make us think of ourselves as isolated and different.
But when we consciously make an effort to look beyond our own problems and reach out to comfort and help others with their problems, our own problems become easier to deal with.
To really Live in Truth we need to get outside our own problems and realize that the Truth is that everyone has problems and we are not in this boat alone. If we can help row the boat for all who are on board (all those around us!) we will get to our destination a lot faster.
When we Live in Truth we see life differently. For example instead of seeing situations around us as problems, we see them as opportunities.
The word opportunity itself teaches us a lot about this concept. Opportunity means, "a favorable juncture of circumstances." That's a good definition, but there is something more to this word. You may have noticed that there is a "port" in the middle of the word. That is significant. Sail toward it!
Opportunity comes from the Latin word opportunus which consists of the prefix, op- meaning "toward" and portus meaning (You guessed it!) "port or harbor." If traveling by ship, a port is your entry into a city which means you are approaching your destination which means you are now going to be able to carry on the business you came to do, or to enjoy visits with friends and family, or to start a new life, or to refuel the ship, or to take on needed supplies, or even to invade and conquer. But to do what you had come to do, you have to first take advantage of the port and enter it. You have to more toward the port. When we think of what we sometimes call problems as "ports of call" or stops along the itinerary of life used to refuel, restock supplies, and unload and/or exchange cargo, we are Living in Truth. These opportunities become exciting adventures that prepare us for the rest of the journey.
One of the wonderful things about Living in Truth is that we realize that there are always alternatives. A friend who is a psychologist once told me that depression occurs when a person can only see two possibilities and doesn’t like either one. That is what happens in the Pit of Illusion, but when we Live in Truth we realize that there are always many alternatives and possibilities to any problem and so instead of growing discouraged we use our creativity and think up alternatives to solve our problems.
The secret here is to not be too judgmental. Too often we start to think of something and before it is completely thought out we dismiss the idea for one reason or another. But listing whatever ideas come into our head without being critical is healthy. Start by writing down any solution that comes to mind and DON”T censor anything. Some things may seem far-fetched or even ridiculous, but it is surprising how many times the outlandish sparks an idea that is actually good or when writing it down we begin to see ways that it actually could be doable.
In addition, even though some of the ideas are not workable, just adding more things to the list instills hope that there is going to be a solution that will work if we just keep trying.
Problems and worries are like a pesky fly that you shake off but it just buzzes around and lands on you again. The buzzing is as annoying as the tickle when it lands, but the point is that no matter how you try to concentrate on something else or to not think about the fly, it is always buzzing. Problems and worries are the same.
But there is a secret that helps get rid of them like a flyswatter gets rid of a fly. Write down your problems. It is a worry swatter. When something keeps running through your mind so that you can’t concentrate on other things and you feel the worry sending its tentacles of fear through you, stop and write down in as much detail as you can what you are feeling and why. Then step back and notice how the worry is now out of you and on the paper. It is a like a Sudoku puzzle just sitting there waiting to be solved. Then go about your day leaving the worry on the paper.
Worrying never brings a solution. Worry only pushes you into the Pit of Illusion. Time and inspiration bring solutions. By writing things down, we get the static worry creates out of our heads. And with the worry gone it is surprising how solutions present themselves to the cleared out mind—the mind that is Living in Truth.
Today is the 43rd anniversary of mine and Mr. J’s first date. It was a blind date that I didn’t want to go on and so I got unready thinking I was being spiteful to the friend who was making me go. Needless to say, the friend didn’t suffer in the least. But I came home that night and cried because I was sure he’d never ask me out again. However, miracles happen (that’s a whole different story!) and he asked me out the next day and the next and the next and before I knew it I was engaged and everyone was giving me marriage advice.
The advice I got the most often sounded so profound: “Don’t ever go to bed on an argument.” So when we got married, and had disagreements we remembered the advice and tried to work out our problems before we went to bed. What a MISTAKE! Both Mr. J and I get grumpy and ornery when we are tired and trying to solve problems late at night before we could go to bed was ridiculous. We’d be up half the night and never come to anything close to resolution.
After several years we got wise, (I know I’m a slow learner!) disregarded the terrible advice, and just went to bed. Miraculously 90% of the time the next morning we found the problem had somehow disappeared while we slept. The other 10% of the time we were able to solve the problem quickly because our minds were clear and alert.
The amazing thing to me is that a few years later I found this very principle taught by Nephi. After Nephi has the beautiful vision of the Tree of Life, he returns to the family camp and finds his brothers fighting. He knows he needs to help solve the problem, but he is exhausted from the experience he has just had. So instead of trying to jump in and solve the problem in his tired state, he tells us “after I had received strength I spake unto my brethren” (1 Nephi 15:6).
Now that’s the advice I should have been given. Trying to solve problems with children or spouses or anyone when you are tired or hungry or out of sorts doesn’t work. Like Nephi we need to wait until we have the strength to deal with the problem. That isn’t always possible, but when it is—do it!
When I got married my mother gave me two pieces of advice. The first was, “Sherrie, watch what you eat because if you are not careful you and Carl are going to look like Jack Sprat and his wife.” For those of you who don’t remember, Jack Sprat is the subject of a nursery rhyme: “Jack Sprat could eat no fat. His wife could eat no lean. And so betwixt the two of them, they licked the platter clean.” To understand why Mother told me this, you have to know that when we married Carl was 6’ tall and weighed 140 pounds if fully clothed. It was good advice.
The second piece of advice was, “Just know that you are not welcome to come back to this house to live unless he beats you or gets drunk.” To tell the truth, at the time I was shocked by that and a little hurt. It caused me to wonder if she loved me, or if she was so glad to have me gone she wanted to be sure I wouldn’t be back. But within a short time I realized the wisdom of mother’s words as I witnessed a few of my friends who when they encountered newly-wed problems run home to their mothers and eventually ended up divorced.
When Carl and I encountered the inevitable newly-wed problems, I knew I wasn’t welcome back home, but I realized that what Mother had meant was that I was to stay with my husband and work things out. It was wonderful advice and over the years I have been surprised to see how many times a marriage is ruined because a mother interferes or because at the least sign of trouble a bride runs home to momma.
This advice has been some of the best I’ve ever been given not just for marriage but for all areas of my life. Running away only prolongs problems and usually complicates them more. Staying (unless there is danger of physical harm) and working through a problem until you reach a conclusion is difficult, but it is the only way to progress and find happiness.
Another one of the interesting things that happened during this experience with Grizelda taught me about how God places people in our lives. When the word first began to get out that I had a tumor in my head, some people called to tell me of a specialist or doctor who was the very best in the field. I appreciated those suggestions; they told me people cared. But each time someone gave me a name, I’d pray about it and every time received a firm conviction that I should just stay with the care I was receiving. As a matter of fact, I was surprised how strong the answers to those prayers were. I had no doubt that I was to remain with the doctors I had.
It was interesting to me that at this time of need I was in just the right place to receive the help I needed. The people who I needed were right here so that I didn’t need to fly off to Texas or California. This has made me think a lot about all the other people that are in my life.
I firmly believe that the people in our lives—those we just call on occasionally like my doctors, or those we live with every day—are there to help us and to teach us, and not always in just positive ways! The very things that annoy us most about a spouse or a child may be the very things that will teach us overcome some defect in our own character. The very problems our family members have may be the very thing we need to help us build faith and spiritual strength as we help them through the problem.
And of course, there are the positive experiences when someone comes along at just the right time to help us with a problem or to teach us what we need to be happier or more faithful. Nothing happens by coincidence. As I look around and ask why this person is in my life, I usually realize that they are teaching me something important.
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