Poor Advice

Yesterday was the 45th anniversary of mine and Mr. J’s first date. It was a blind date that I didn’t want to go on and so I got unready thinking I was being spiteful to the friend who was making me go. Needless to say, the friend didn’t suffer in the least. But I came home that night and cried because I was sure he’d never ask me out again. However, miracles happen (that’s a whole different story!) and he asked me out the next day and the next and the next and before I knew it I was engaged and everyone was giving me marital advice.

The advice I got the most often sounded profound at the time: “Don’t ever go to bed on an argument.” So when we got married, and had disagreements we remembered the advice and tried to work out our problems before we went to bed. What a MISTAKE! Both Mr. J and I get grumpy and ornery when we are tired and trying to solve problems late at night when we were grumpy and ornery and tired was disastrous. We’d be up half the night and never come to anything close to resolution.

After several years we got wise, (I know I’m a slow learner!) disregarded the terrible advice, and just went to bed when we were upset. Miraculously 90% of the time the next morning we found the problem had somehow disappeared while we slept. The other 10% of the time we were able to solve the problem quickly because our minds were clear and alert.

The amazing thing to me is that a few years later I found this very principle taught by Nephi. After Nephi has the beautiful vision of the Tree of Life, he returns to the family camp and finds his brothers fighting. He knows he needs to help solve the problem, but he is exhausted from the experience he has just had. So instead of trying to jump in and solve the problem in his tired state, he tells us “after I had received strength I spake unto my brethren” (1 Nephi 15:6).

Now that’s the advice I should have been given. Trying to solve problems with children or spouses or anyone when you are tired or hungry or out of sorts doesn’t work. Like Nephi we need to wait until we have the strength to deal with the problem. That isn’t always possible, but when it is—do it!

Bad Advice

Today is the 43^rd anniversary of mine and Mr. J’s first date. It was a blind date that I didn’t want to go on and so I got unready thinking I was being spiteful to the friend who was making me go. Needless to say, the friend didn’t suffer in the least. But I came home that night and cried because I was sure he’d never ask me out again. However, miracles happen (that’s a whole different story!) and he asked me out the next day and the next and the next and before I knew it I was engaged and everyone was giving me marriage advice.

The advice I got the most often sounded so profound: “Don’t ever go to bed on an argument.” So when we got married, and had disagreements we remembered the advice and tried to work out our problems before we went to bed. What a MISTAKE! Both Mr. J and I get grumpy and ornery when we are tired and trying to solve problems late at night before we could go to bed was ridiculous. We’d be up half the night and never come to anything close to resolution.

After several years we got wise, (I know I’m a slow learner!) disregarded the terrible advice, and just went to bed. Miraculously 90% of the time the next morning we found the problem had somehow disappeared while we slept. The other 10% of the time we were able to solve the problem quickly because our minds were clear and alert.

The amazing thing to me is that a few years later I found this very principle taught by Nephi. After Nephi has the beautiful vision of the Tree of Life, he returns to the family camp and finds his brothers fighting. He knows he needs to help solve the problem, but he is exhausted from the experience he has just had. So instead of trying to jump in and solve the problem in his tired state, he tells us “after I had received strength I spake unto my brethren” (1 Nephi 15:6).

Now that’s the advice I should have been given. Trying to solve problems with children or spouses or anyone when you are tired or hungry or out of sorts doesn’t work. Like Nephi we need to wait until we have the strength to deal with the problem. That isn’t always possible, but when it is—do it!

Mother's Advice

When I got married my mother gave me two pieces of advice. The first was, “Sherrie, watch what you eat because if you are not careful you and Carl are going to look like Jack Sprat and his wife.” For those of you who don’t remember, Jack Sprat is the subject of a nursery rhyme: “Jack Sprat could eat no fat. His wife could eat no lean. And so betwixt the two of them, they licked the platter clean.” To understand why Mother told me this, you have to know that when we married Carl was 6’ tall and weighed 140 pounds if fully clothed. It was good advice.

The second piece of advice was, “Just know that you are not welcome to come back to this house to live unless he beats you or gets drunk.” To tell the truth, at the time I was shocked by that and a little hurt. It caused me to wonder if she loved me, or if she was so glad to have me gone she wanted to be sure I wouldn’t be back. But within a short time I realized the wisdom of mother’s words as I witnessed a few of my friends who when they encountered newly-wed problems run home to their mothers and eventually ended up divorced.

When Carl and I encountered the inevitable newly-wed problems, I knew I wasn’t welcome back home, but I realized that what Mother had meant was that I was to stay with my husband and work things out. It was wonderful advice and over the years I have been surprised to see how many times a marriage is ruined because a mother interferes or because at the least sign of trouble a bride runs home to momma.

This advice has been some of the best I’ve ever been given not just for marriage but for all areas of my life. Running away only prolongs problems and usually complicates them more. Staying (unless there is danger of physical harm) and working through a problem until you reach a conclusion is difficult, but it is the only way to progress and find happiness.