Patience Please . . . I'm Growing

I’m looking at the age spots on my hands. Poised to type, as my hands are now, the spots are very obvious and make it seem to me like these aren’t really my hands at all. My hands are young and strong and . . . but then I remember that just two days ago I couldn’t unscrew a bottle cap. No, these are my hands.

Aging is a strange thing. I don’t feel older, but my body looks and reacts older. I wish I had understood that better when I was younger. I used to think that the old people around me were somehow different, not at all the same as me. But now I know that the old people around me felt exactly the way I did. They may have had a few more physical pains and wrinkles, but they dreamed and had goals and sorrowed and laughed just like I did.

I hope this doesn’t sound morbid. I’m not at all feeling sorry for myself. I’m only reflecting on how much in life I have learned and how as I grow more experienced and closer to the Spirit my understanding grows. In other words, I’m thinking about how spiritual growth is as much a process as physical growth. And process always requires patience. There are some things we just can’t understand until we have more life experience and growth. Therefore, patience with ourselves is as important as patience with others.

Learning Patience

I am learning to quilt in order to teach myself patience. I have never been good at patience and while I love to sew, I tend to do it rather haphazardly. Somehow I've always managed to make things turn out somewhat well. But you can’t piece quilt blocks haphazardly. Each cut, each stitch has to be exact or the next pieces go wrong and don’t work. So I am learning to be patient at each step—to take my time and do it right. It isn’t easy for me. I think running a marathon would be easier, but it is something I need.

It isn’t just my sewing that is characterized by impatience. I do what I’m commanded to do, and then want the blessing yesterday. I have questions and want answers now. I have a lot of trouble waiting and trusting in God’s timetable. I know He is there. I know He loves me, but I want all the answers and blessings right now. But as Alma said, “If ye will nourish the word, yea, nourish the tree as it beginneth to grow, by your faith with great diligence, and with patience, looking forward to the fruit thereof, it shall take root; and behold it shall be a tree springing up unto everlasting life. And because of your diligence and your faith and your patience with the word in nourishing it, that it may take root in you, behold, by and by ye shall pluck the fruit thereof, which is most precious, which is sweet above all that is sweet, and which is white above all that is white, yea, and pure above all that is pure; and ye shall feast upon this fruit even until ye are filled, that ye hunger not, neither shall ye thirst. Then, my brethren, ye shall reap the rewards of your faith, and your diligence, and patience, and long-suffering, waiting for the tree to bring forth fruit unto you” ( Alma 32:41-43).

It’s the “by and by” I don’t like, but it’s the “by and by” I need; so, I’ve taken up quilting to help me learn it. If the quilt turns out—I’ll post a picture. If I don’t post a picture soon it means it didn’t turn out and I had to start over. In other words, I needed MORE patience.

I'm Learning to Wait for Life

There’s a lesson in life that has been very difficult for me to learn. That is to slow down and take life as it comes. All my life I’ve tried to make life happen and it doesn’t work that way. As I’ve realized how silly I’ve been, I’ve pictured myself out in the garden tugging at a corn stalk trying to make it grow faster and taller. It doesn’t work. As a matter of fact, if I tug too hard, instead of helping the corn grow, I pull it out of the ground and destroy it.

Life unrolls like a plant growing and there is nothing I can do to hurry it up or slow it down. Instead I need to trust that my life is “unrolling” at the pace the Lord intends and in the direction He wants it to go. Then I can spend my energies on things that really do matter and things that can make a difference.

Approaching Hectic!

I’ve been very busy lately and after living with no stress and no pressure for the last six months to suddenly be pressured and stressed is strange. I keep asking myself how I lived with pressure for so many years. After all, this is how my life has been forever. The hardest and most time consuming part of getting ready for brain surgery was making sure all my bases were covered and that everything I normally took care of would be taken care of while I was incapacitated. I was a busy person!

Now as I return to normal, hectic life I’m encountering new challenges. I don’t have the stamina I used to. My mind, after undergoing brain surgery, doesn’t process as fast and as well. As I try to do things like I used to, I find myself growing befuddled and confused. It is very strange and disconcerting. It is as if I have a different body than the one before the surgery. But the doctors assure me that I’ll be back to 100% in another six months or so. I hope so, but even if I don’t get everything back I have learned a valuable lesson from all of this.

This has given me a whole new appreciation for other people’s limits and capacities. I am ashamed to admit it, but I used to get impatient with people who didn’t catch on to things fast. I used to judge and be critical, but I’m repenting of all that. Each of us have different capabilities and talents and abilities. Each of us have strengths and weaknesses and when we are critical of others we are looking only at their weaknesses and not their strengths. I hope I never forget that just as I am struggling right now to do my best when that best is not always optimal, others are also doing their best. Instead of being critical, I hope that from now on I can always patiently help and encourage.

Tulips and Waiting

Today my sister, a daughter, and a grandson and I visited the Tulip Festival at Thanksgiving Point. Thousands and thousands of tulips, daffodils, hyacinths and other colorful flowers I can't even name amazed us. I loved the company, the beauty, and the delight of a five year old at simple things like purple pansies, making wishes in the wishing pond, and feeding fish. Life is good.

After my trip to the gardens, I finally heard from the radiologist. He has only heard from one other doctor, a doctor in Germany whose advice was to use surgery. Since the other doctors haven’t responded to the Internet call for help, the radiologist is going to call them and ask them for an opinion. So we are waiting still.

Patience. I am learning Patience. I must need lots of patience!

Learning Patience!

The night before my craniotomy last December, I was given a beautiful blessing in which I was told that I would eventually be made completely whole but that I needed to be patient. Four or five times in that blessing I was reminded that patience was very important. So after the surgery when the healing seemed so fast and miraculous, I was puzzled. Many times the thought went through my head, “Why was I admonished to be patient? This took very little patience.” And then a gnawing feeling that the ordeal wasn’t really over would spread through me. Well, now I know why I was told to be patient! As a matter of fact, I am learning all kinds of lessons about patience.

I’ve never been good about patience. Growing up I always searched and found my Christmas presents before Christmas. (I hope Mom doesn’t read this!) In Primary when they had us plant seed of "faith" in a cup and take them home to watch them grow, I'd dig them up every day to see if they were growing. (Needless to say, they didn't!) I loved to read, but I’d make it to about the middle of a novel and then impatiently turn to the end of the book to see what was going to happen. (That ruined the rest of the read.) I’d force a situation by jumping to conclusions too soon or trying to manipulate events. (That over anxiousness always caused more problems than I want to recount.) In short, I’ve never been good about waiting which I now realize is really that I’ve never been good about letting God unfold events in His time. I also now realize that letting God unfold events in His time is what it means to trust Him.

I used to think believing in Christ was the same as trusting Him. But I now know differently. Everything happens for a reason, and by trying to force or manipulate life myself I was refusing to trust. I thought I knew better than God what was best for me! So this time I am determined to be patient. Grizelda is with me again for a reason, and whatever the reason it is important for my growth and development. So my greatest concern right now is that I learn the lessons God wants me to learn. He knows what I need and He loves me. Whatever happens is for my best good. I just need to be patient and trust in Him.