A Lesson in Trust

I have an appointment for my next MRI to see if Grizelda is gone for good. This waiting to know what is happening inside me is a very interesting thing. Both times the tumor has been discovered, I’ve felt fine. There were no symptoms, no reason for me to be concerned. And yet growing inside me was a dangerous tumor.

It has made me wonder how many other dangerous things are lurking or have been lurking in my life without me knowing it. Sometimes, as with Grizelda, I eventually find out. But how many things have happened that I never have discovered? Perhaps an automobile accident that I was spared because the Spirit prompted me to go a different direction, or a child prevented me from getting out of the house on time so that I wasn’t at the place the accident would have happened when it would have happened. Perhaps what I’ve thought was a terrible nuisance was really a blessing.

It will be interesting to someday look back on our lives and see the many times the Lord intervened to help us and we didn’t have a clue that He was there or that He was helping. What Grizelda has taught me is to be more vigilant in looking for these things and to trust that even when I can’t see the reasoning for something, the Lord has a reason for everything.

picture: http://dpulling.files.wordpress.com/2007/04/ma012jesus-and-children-posters.jpg

Help Is Here

I was speaking with a friend this morning who had just made an important decision that required prayer and the direction of the Spirit. The answer came to her, and brought with it a peace and comfort. As she ended her story, she said, “I wish I would remember to go to the Lord more when making decisions.”

Her words have made me think a lot about how we get so caught up in telestial living that we forget that there is celestial help. In the New Testament Jesus warns his followers that they will be delivered before governors and kings to be tried. “But when they deliver you up, take no thought how or what ye shall speak: for it shall be given you in that same hour what ye shall speak. For it is not ye that speak, but the Spirit of your Father which speaketh in you” (Matthew 10:19-20). Learning to trust in that Spirit to help us makes life so much easier.

In making decisions, in bearing witness of Christ, in performing in our Church callings, in strengthening our relationships—in short, in anything we do that is good, “it shall be given us” if we just trust more in the Spirit to help us. We are not alone. Jesus Christ loves us and will help us if we will remember that He is there to help us.

More on Trust

There is one other thing about the scripture we looked at in the last post. Whenever we are worried or fretting about the future or when we are confronted with a future we don’t want and never planned on, this trust is more important than ever. It is the hope we can cling to in order to help us live in Truth.

Let me share an experience that taught me this. Two hours before our second daughter was born, my husband was drafted into the army at the height of the Vietnam War. I had prayed fervently and with all the faith I could muster for two years that Carl wouldn’t be drafted and I was devastated. I thought my world had ended. When he left I found myself not only dealing with being alone, but with trying to understand why God had forsaken me. Why hadn’t he answered my prayers?

It was difficult and lonely caring for a 14 month old and a newborn baby all by myself. I had a lot of time to think and the thoughts always took me back to negative feelings that challenged my faith. But after five months, things got a little better when the children and I were able to join Carl while he finished his training as an operating room technician. Then came the fateful day when we were told that he was to report the next morning to receive orders as to where he would be stationed. Everyone we knew who had been drafted was sent to Nam and a cousin of mine that I was very close to had been killed in Nam. I cried a lot that night. I also prayed a lot that night, but the thoughts of previous prayers being unanswered haunted me and filled me with doubt rather than faith.

The next morning Carl gathered in a room with 300 other men and the sergeant began to instruct everyone as to what they needed to do before they shipped out to Nam. About ten minutes into his instruction he stopped and said, “I forgot. Five of you are not going to Nam. If you address is an APO address instead of an FPO, you are excused. We’ll give you instructions later.” Carl looked at his written orders and to his surprise discovered he was one of the five. He was going to Germany and since it was a non-combat zone, I was able to go with him.

But there is something more to this story. From the time I was young I wanted to visit Europe. I’d read about it and fallen in love with all the old things Europe offered. During high school I made myself a promise that I was going to graduate from college and then go live in Europe for a time before I settled down. I didn’t want to be a tourist. I wanted to live there so I could get a feel for the culture and the essence of the real place. But I married half way through college and figured I had given up on my dream.

When Carl came home and told me that we were going to Germany, I suddenly realized that while I thought God had forsaken me, He instead was fulfilling my dreams. From that point on I’ve been much better at trusting in Him.

Trust in the Lord

One of my favorite passages of scripture is found in Prov 3:2-6. It reads, “Let not mercy and truth forsake thee: bind them about thy neck; write them upon the table of thine heart: So shalt thou find favour and good understanding in the sight of God and man. Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.”

This passage is packed with information about Living in Truth. First we are told to bind mercy and truth around our necks and write them in our hearts. The connection between mercy and truth is interesting. It is impossible to live in Truth without having mercy. When living in Truth, or living with the verity of what is, we constantly need to be merciful to others. We need to excuse their mistakes and overlook the things they say or do that could hurt us. Living in Truth is impossible if we aren’t merciful. In addition, mercy and truth needs to be so much a part of us that that they emanate from our hearts. Helping us to do that is what the Truth Tools are all about. Mercy and truth aren’t something we do. They are something we are. The promise for becoming mercy and truth, then, is that we will find favor and understanding not only from God but from our fellow man.

All this is a big order. It may even seem absolutely overwhelming. But the writer goes on to tell us how we can do it. By trusting in the Lord, not half-heartedly, but with all of our heart we can live in Truth. We turn ourselves over to God’s divine understanding and don’t try to outguess or think we know better than He does what we should do. We simply trust Him. In conjunction with this, we acknowledge Him as the author of our lives. We acknowledge that He is wiser than we are and even if for the moment our situation seems dire, we acknowledge that He must have some purpose in it. Our job is to discover the purpose and do what needs to be done. If we do that He will direct our path and that path always ends in happiness.

When Righteous Desires Fail

One of the big problems that keeps us from living in Truth is that sometimes we think that what we want is the only acceptable outcome for the future. This is especially true when what we want is in accordance with teachings of the gospel. For example, we want to be married, we want to have children, we want to have a happy marriage, we want to serve a mission, we want our children to be righteous, etc. Those are righteous desires and yet they are not always the verity of life—the Truth.

What we have to realize is that God’s ways are not our ways. He sees and orchestrates things from a different (make that better!) perspective. As He tells us, “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts” (Isa 55:9). Therefore, our responsibility is to trust in God and understand that if we “Search diligently, pray always, and be believing . . . all things shall work together for [our] good” (D&C 90:24).

Therefore, instead of moving into the realm of Illusion and experiencing pain when our righteous desires are not fulfilled, we should pray and ask God what He intends by this experience. What is it He wants you to do in your situation? Are you to stand as a witness for Him through this trial? Is He putting you in a position to help others with a similar trial? Is He preparing you for something better? Is this trial intended to make you stronger? What is the good you are to accomplish because of your situation?

Living in Truth is living with what is, not with what we want EVEN if what we want is a righteous desire.

Hurrah for Change!

As I explained in my last post when I first found out about Grizelda I wasn’t afraid, but I was very sad and at the same time filled with a paradoxical sense of excitement. Even though I kept hanging on to hope, from the beginning I realized that I wasn’t going to be able to teach this coming semester and I love teaching. I love being with my students. I love learning from them. I love the university environment and the faculty I work with. I love the woman I share an office with and my TA… well you get the picture. I didn’t want any of that to change and as I explained my situation that first couple of days to anyone, I begin to weep much to my dismay.

But again there was a great lesson in this for me. As things are unfolding, I’m beginning to realize that this is part of God’s plan for me. Too often we are so worried about change that we forget that change is the only realm in which possibility exists. If there is no uncertantity in your life or if everything we do is known and predictable, there is no growth. Life becomes stagnant. And yet change frightens so many of us. We cling to the known with a tenacious grasp and only seem to enter the unknown kicking and screaming.

The reason is that it is difficult taking that step into the unknown. But by detaching myself from the routine of my predictable world, I find myself in a new world of possibility. It is like doors have been opened to admit me to new vistas. Although the next room seems dark and strange, there is a peace there. I’m finding that with every step I take, a new little light appears—a light of new possibility and that is exciting.

As I said in the beginning even though this sadness existed and I did shed a few tears over it, from the beginning I’ve also felt a sense of excitement that the Lord has something new in mind for me. I am learning to trust in that feeling of excitement and to let go of the sadness. Which reminds me of one of my favorite scriptures that is found in Jeremiah 29:11. My favorite translation of this comes from the New Revised Standard Version of the Bible and reads, “For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope.”

Even if Grizelda had been malignant or I had lost my vision, the Lord would not do anything to me that would not be for my best good. Trusting in that fact and walking through the doors He opens for me can only lead to goodness. So I say, “Hurray for change! Embrace the possibility!”

Theodicy

This sleeping sitting up isn’t working. It is 5:00 am and I have been awake since 2:30. That means I’ve been thinking for 2 and 1/2 hours. I’ll try to distill my thoughts down.

Yesterday a friend asked me why God lets some things happen. He used the example of a mother of five struggling on life support after a terrible car accident. If she had reached the intersection five seconds earlier or five seconds later, she wouldn’t be near death. But across town at the very same time someone has lost their keys, prays about it and the tender mercies of the Lord lead the person to the keys. Why did God take care of the keys and not the mother?

That does seem like a perplexing problem. But I would be very, very careful about blaming God. How do we know that the Spirit didn’t say to the woman, “Slow down. You’re going too fast”? How do we know that she didn’t think, “But I’m late. I can’t slow down now.” Or maybe before she left the house the spirit said, “Call Sister Smith.” And she didn’t think, “Why should I call Sister Smith?” or “I’ll do it when I get back.” Or maybe she was so preoccupied stressing about what happened that morning with a child or fretting about all the bills that needed to be paid tomorrow that she didn’t even hear or feel the prompting. From what I know about God, it is much more likely the case that God is always prompting, always transmitting the necessary help and guidance, but that it is we who fail to tune in.

None of us like to hear that it is our fault that we have a problem. But how do I know that a few months or years ago the Spirit didn’t prompt me, “Don’t eat that!” or give me some other warning that would have kept this tumor from developing, and I either ignored or didn’t hear the prompting? I firmly believe that God is no respecter of persons. So the logical conclusion for me is that bad things don’t happen because God wills them or allows them. Bad things happen because in our mortal frailness we make mistakes.

But God knew we would not always listen. He knew we would be preoccupied or fretting and therefore make mistakes. So he provided an Atonement that not only overcomes our sins, but compensates us for all we suffer if we will just trust in Him. Now is my time to trust and to learn to listen better.