Growth and Adversity

I've thought a lot about Post-Traumatic Growth that I wrote about yesterday since I learned about it. During and after my experience with Grizelda and the brain surgery I experienced it. It is very interesting how the very worst of life experiences can still be very encouraging and uplifting if we have the right mind-set.

A very good friend of mine was blind and she used to say to me, I hate being blind, but I wouldn't go back to seeing if it meant I had to give up all I've learned from being blind."

That's how I feel about Grizelda. It would be nice to not have a huge scar in my scalp and a "divot" in the temple on my forehead. It would have been nice not to have to miss a semester of teaching. It would ahve been very nice to have escaped the pain and worry. But I learned so much about life and especially about myself through that experience that I wouldn't go back and change anything.

The trick in life is to remember that and to keep our spirits up and to remain encouraged at the beginning of those trying experiences instead of only when we look back on them.

Close To the Heart

In class today as we discussed the Atonement of Jesus Christ, I shared my experience with Grizelda and what I have learned about the Atonement from that experience. Sharing the story brought back a lot of emotions and feelings that are riding close to the surface of my heart right now. But, today added something more to those feelings.

I brought my cage to class to show the students, and as soon as I pulled it out of the sack a student on the front row burst into tears. He continued to weep as I told the story and finally got up and left. He returned a few minutes later trying to compose himself, but it wasn’t until after class as I spoke to him that he told me that his mother died two years ago of a brain tumor and she, too, had a cage like mine that fit only her, that had been used when she went through radiation.

Obviously this brings up many questions such as why I was spared and she wasn’t. Why was I so blessed and not her? I have no answer to that question, and can only trust in the wisdom of God. But I feel the weight of the question someplace deep in my stomach. Where much is given, much is expected and I was given so much . . . so what is expected?

In a few minutes I will go into another classroom and teach the same lesson to a different class. I want them to feel the essence and importance of the Atonement. I want them to understand the love Jesus Christ has for them, but I also hope I won’t cut as close to anyone else’s heart as I did this morning.

Remembering Grizelda

As the month of December approaches my mind is full of Christmas and the birth of my Savior, but it is also full of the miracle I received three years ago this December—a blessing provided by  that Savior. With the marvel of that miracle filling my heart I went back and read what I had written here on Good News! the day of my brain surgery to extract Grizelda. I’d forgotten that I finished reading the Old Testament the very day of the surgery, and was struck once again with a verse that stood out to me that day. “But unto you that fear my name shall the Sun of righteousness arise with healing in his wings; and ye shall go forth, and grow up as calves of the stall” (Micah 4:2).

That verse means even more to me now than it did then. He did care for me like a prize calf in a stall. He fed my spirit so that as I walked through the shadows of adversity I was at peace, he protected me, he tended to my every need. But it didn’t end. He continues to do so even though I am so undeserving.

As the anniversary of that event draws near, the memories keep springing to mind and so do all of the wonderful things I learned from the traumatic experience. I am so grateful.

Work! Work! Work!

Mr. J finished painting the upstairs and then left town to go to a conference. Yesterday the new carpet was laid and so today I am trying my best to put plug plates and switch plates back on, take off the masking tape, vacuum up the carpet strands, put curtains back up, and do as much as I can physically do before Mr. J comes home to finish the rest. 

It feels so good and I don’t mean just that it feels good to have new paint and new carpet (although that is very good!) I mean it feels good to physically work. Being a professor and writer much of my work is mental instead of physical. Before Grizelda I hated physical work which is probably why I ended up a professor and a writer. But one of the things being bedridden after brain surgery and the ensuring radiation taught me is what a blessing it is to be able to work hard.

I still have to pace myself, but as my heart gets pumping and I see things getting done I find myself saying a prayer of thanks that I can work. I’m converted. Being able to work is a wonderful blessing.

I love to work!

What Grizelda's Taught Me

Here in Utah it is a cold blustery day—the perfect day to cuddle up in my favorite chair covered in my favorite blanket and read a good book. But there are errands to run, meals to be fixed, drawers to be cleaned out, bills to be paid, lessons to prepare, and of course a BYU basketball game to be watched. There are always so many things to do and such little time to do them. But going through the battle with Grizelda brought me face to face with the possibility that time will run out and so I’d better use it to gather as much knowledge and make as many beautiful memories as possible because that’s all I’ll take with me—knowledge and memories.

So what will I do today? The errands first because that means getting the food for D5’s birthday dinner tomorrow. (That will be a new memory to take with me!) Next preparing a lesson for tomorrow. (That means gaining new knowledge.) And watching the game is a must because my grandson is coming to watch it with me. (Big time memory!) But I’ll also spend at least a few minutes in the chair wrapped in my favorite blanket because that is both gaining knowledge and making a warm fuzzy memory. And the rest of the things on the list will get done if there is time. 

But I’m not going to fret over them! 

I’ll just fit them into the left-over minutes if I can.

Great News!

I just had to share the news!
I got the results of my last MRI and Griselda has not grown any more!
 It looks like she is finally contained!
 I am not having any of the problems with pressure either, so I think we are safely out of the woods
 and moving forward in health!

 So many miracles!

My heart is overflowing with gratitude. Thanks for all your prayers and well wishes!

Goodby, Grizelda! I learned so much from you, but it's time you moved on!

Ducks and Dark

For the most part I have recovered completely from the brain surgery and radiation. The past month or so I’ve felt my full strength finally returning and during our time in New York and Ireland I didn’t experience any of the fatigue that I had been going through before. It was wonderful! It is so nice to be able to move through a day without having to constantly stop and rest.

But there is one strange side effect that I still have to deal with. Every once in a while I say the wrong word. For example, yesterday I assigned my students to read the prefix to the Book of Mormon instead of the preface. Awhile back I told someone that “I was in the duck about the subject” when what I meant was that I was in the dark. This is annoying, but at the same time fascinating to me because the wrong word always starts with the same letter as the word I want, but usually has nothing else in common with what I mean. It has made me realize what an extraordinary thing the brain is and caused me to ponder on how it works.

This strange working of my brain has also given my whole family some good laughs. I just hope it doesn’t cause any problems like the one I read about the other day when a woman emailed to tell her friend that her mother was very ill, but that the family was praying she would recover and be back to normal.

The friend, sympathetic but in a hurry wrote back, “I hope she dies.”This devastated the woman with the sick mother. She never replied to the friend and it was months before the friend finally was able to get the woman to talk through the situation. At that point it was discovedr that there had been a typo in the email. The message the friend thought she had sent was, “I hope she does.” One little letter and yet it made all the difference in a friendship.

There is lesson in this. When we live in Truth instead of taking offense and jumping to conclusions, we give people the benefit of the doubt and let them explain.

Our Savior

The end of the semester is fast approaching and since I am teaching the Life and Teachings of Jesus Christ that means we are discussing the Atonement . As I prepare I am totally overwhelmed. I’ve always been in awe of the great love and sacrifice that is the Atonement, but since my brain surgery my feelings for the miracle and the wonder of the Atonement have increased so much that I have no words to express them. I will walk into class today feeling very, very inadequate and wishing I could convey to these young people all that I feel. I just pray that they are in tune with the Spirit so the Spirit can do what I cannot.

The last day of my radiation they gave me the mask that was used to bolt me to the table during the radiation. Molded to my head, it holds an impression of me in it. When I came home that day the radiation had completely exhausted me. I could barely walk into the house. Somehow I made it to the bed and collapsed with the mask in my hand. For the next few hours I lay there unable to hardly move. All I could do was think and with the mask so close I began to ponder it. I thought about how I was the only person in the world who fit that mask and how like it, the trial I was going through with Grizelda was also tailored just for me. I was learning and growing and being tested, in other words being made stronger. I thought about how I was the only person who had ever worn that mask, but at that thought a strong feeling washed over me that I was wrong. Someone had worn that mask long before I did—Jesus Christ had suffered every bit of the pain, anguish, sorrow, and hurt. He had suffered this exhaustion. He had suffered my pain before I had, and so he knew all about it. I was not alone in this ordeal. As a matter of fact my ordeal was much easier than it would have been because He loves me so much He suffered all pain so He could then have the power to ease my suffering.

The Atonement was not only about sin, it was about all pain. And because Jesus Christ has taken on all of our disappointments, worries, pain, sorrow, cares, sin, and injustices, He knows how to succor us. All we have to do is trust in Him.

Great News!

I just got back from the doctor and Grizelda has shrunk 30%. They still don't know why the pressure. There are a few guesses, but eventually they think the pressure will go away! This is the best valentine I've ever had!!! Thanks for all your prayers.

Update on Grizelda

I appreciate so much those of you who have been praying for me. I believe in prayer and I have felt those prayers sustaining me. Thank you. Today I had an MRI and Friday the doctor will tell me if Grizelda is still hanging around or if she accepted my invitation to leave. I don’t mean to be inhospitable, but I think she’s overstayed her welcome and will be more than happy if she’s left.

I didn’t mention it here before because I looked so ugly I couldn’t bear to think about it let alone write about it, but we did the skin cancer treatments on my face during December and I am about back to normal now. The scabbing only lasted a week this time and the big red splotches are now disappearing, but the doctor told me we’d need to do it again in about September. I’m not looking forward to that but maybe next time it won’t be as bad. Maybe I should talk the doctor into waiting until October and I can do it for Halloween. I’d fit right in!

Thanks again for your prayers. I’ll let you know what I find out on Friday.

What You Need Is On It's Way

I’m learning a lot of lessons lately. Ever since Grizelda was discovered I feel like I’ve been undergoing an intensive study in life. It’s like a cram course in life principles!

One of the things I’ve learned is that God puts in your path and gives you the very things you need at the very moment you need them. You can absolutely trust in that. You don’t have to worry or fret about what you need because it will be there at exactly the moment you need it. The people you need, the things you need, the direction you need, the experiences you need will all appear exactly at the moment you need them. But you have to watch for it. If you are discouraged suddenly something or someone will come to encourage you. If you are hurting something or someone will come to ease the pain. If you are joyous something or someone will come to share it with you. If you need to know which direction to take something or someone will appear to guide you.

But you have to be watching.

I also have learned that the Lord sends these things, but as mortals we often slam the door on the very thing that is being sent to help us. We get so caught up in the magnitude of our problems that we don’t notice or accept the tender mercies that are sent to help us.

So watch! Be open and eager for the things that will meet your needs. They are coming. That is a promise.

One Year And I Can Still See!

One year ago today we had a head shaving party here at my house. My family and some friends gathered, I was given a beautiful blessing, and then my son took the scissors to my hair. A year ago tomorrow, the surgeons went searching for Grizelda. And then the miracles began. It hasn’t been easy, but I have been so blessed this year. My family took such great care of me while I was recuperating. This pictures shows D2 who is a nurse who stayed with me in the hospital. All of my children were so helpful  and I grew to appreciate them so much more.

It took awhile, but I have my full strength back now. I can still see! I have learned some amazing things. And I am happy.

This year has gone so fast! Besides the duel with Grizelda, it has been full of other adventures. I was able to see every one of my children and grandchildren—which doesn’t happen every year since they live so far away! My book Gospel Insights for Everyday Living was published. I wrote another book, Living in Truth, and taught many Living in Truth workshops. I especially enjoyed that because I met so many wonderful new friends.

Best of all is that I’ve grown so close to my Savior this year. I’m beginning to suspect that adversity is necessary in order for that closeness to happen. I hope I’m wrong, so I’m clinging to this closeness and hoping 2010 has a little less adversity but that I can maintain the closeness. I’ll let you know how it goes!

Counting My Blessings

I am so blessed. Living with a tumor in your head could be a very stressful situation. It is like living with a time bomb. You can’t see inside it to know when or if it is going to go off or what it is doing. You don’t know if it is growing or shrinking. You just have to wait and see what happens.

But because of the priesthood blessings I have received, even on a bad day when I can feel the pressure inside my head, it doesn’t cause me stress or worry because I know the Lord is with me and is caring for me. I know that eventually everything is going to be all right because of the promises I have been given. I am so very grateful for the priesthood of God and for its healing power.

This is the Big Week!

With all that’s been going on around here, I got behind on answering your comments. So I’ll say right here to all of you, “Thanks you so much for your love and support!” You don’t know how it has helped me. My appointment with the doctor is this afternoon at 3:00 and I am counting on good news, but no matter what the news I know that my Father in Heaven will help me through it and that I have many, many friends (YOU!) who are there to support and cheer me on. I’ll try to post a quick note later this afternoon after I get back from the doctor with a report of what I find out.

It’s also a big week in that tomorrow I begin teaching at BYU Education Week. I am looking forward to that. People come from all over the world for Education week, and I meet so many wonderful people and learn so much. It is one of my favorite things to do.

So today I am knee deep in studying one of my favorite things to study—Truth. Remember that Truth is knowledge of what is, what was, and what will be (D&C 93:24). Truth is not what should be or should have been. Understanding that basic principle has changed my life. When I let myself wander into the realm of Illusion by thinking things shouldn’t be the way they are, I create unnecessary pain and misery for myself. When I stay in the realm of Truth and deal with what is, the Spirit is always there to comfort and guide me. Life becomes so much simpler!

Grizelda Be Gone!

Today is the day! At 1:30 p.m. They will do the MRI to see if Grizelda has been eradicated. I won’t get the results until Monday at 1:00 when I meet with the doctor. It is a strange feeling to know that there has been a tumor—an intruder—in my head that I hope is gone, but I don’t know for sure. And it’s even stranger to think that if Grizelda is still there she could affect the entire rest of my life, and yet I can’t see her or know what she is doing. That probably sounds weird to you, but I have been blessed with an incredible peace, so I’m not worried or stressed by Grizelda; I’m only curious. (As you know, I have an overactive imagination and things like this do send me to wondering.)

I am grateful for the peace. It has been an extraordinary blessing that has given me the beautiful assurance that whatever they find today, God is in charge and He will take care of me. I don’t need to worry. So I’m going to enjoy the music of the MRI machine and have myself an adventure today! I’ll let you know how it goes!

So Far So Good!

I went to the ophthalmologist Monday and my eye sight is very good. At this point there is no damage to the optical nerve from the radiation that we know of, and every day that passes makes it more and more unlikely that there will be any. I am still very, very tired, but I’m functioning and I’m stronger than last week. That’s good! Each day gets a little better.

The doctors told me they have to wait 3 to 6 months to do the follow-up MRI to see if Grizelda is gone, but the pressure in my head is so much less that I know something is happening already.

In short, things are looking good. I appreciate so much your faith and prayers. I couldn’t go through all this without you! I’ve learned that in the past I’ve grossly underestimated the power I have to influence the outcome for someone else. I’ve sometimes found myself thinking, “Oh, I’m just one little person. What difference can I make?” or “What can my one prayer do?” I promise you I will never think such thoughts again. I’ve FELT your prayers and been sustained by your faith. And I know that each and every prayer added to that sustaining power. There is an amazing synergy when lots of people pray for the same thing.

It seems so inadequate. All I can say is thank you! Thank you so much and keep praying. I’ll be praying for you, also!

Me In My Cage!

I thought today I'd share some pictures of the radiation process. It is fascinating. These are the two radiation therapists, Dallas and Darren, that are evicting Grizelda. And yes, that is me in the cage under my favorite red comforter. (It gets cold in that room holding still for an hour!)

This is Darren putting on my "cage"./> He's clamping it to the table so I can't move.This is me snug as a reptile in its skin! I'm trying to decide where I'm going to go for the hour. I ended up staying in the room and letting the angels come to me! I visited with my dad, daughter, grandmothers, a good friend and a few others. Talking to people when you control both sides of the conversation is nice. You ought to try it sometime!

I'm Surviving Radiation!

Yesterday I had my first radiating experience. It wasn’t bad and is extremely interesting. Last Friday a very kind radiation therapist named Dallas made a cage for my head that is used in all the radiation treatments. First he put a flat piece of what looks and feels like plastic mesh in hot water. He placed that over my head, pushed the edges down so that it formed around my entire head, and waited until it became hard. Along the sides and top of this contraption is a horseshoe shaped rim of plastic that is used to screw this “mask cage” to the table. In other words, while I am on the table they put this cage over my head, bolt it to the table so I can’t move even my eyelids, and then I lie there as still as possible for about an hour while they shoot at Grizelda with radiation.

The first thing most people ask me is if they give me anything like Valium. The answer is “No!” and I am thankful they don’t. I don’t like taking pills. The tools for Living In Truth that I’ve been writing about in this blog work much better without any side effects.

They do pipe whatever music I want into the room. The machine is so loud it is often difficult to hear the music, but when I can hear I Anchor on the sound and that keeps me content. In addition, I used the tool of Distraction. I have a wonderful imagination and yesterday I just traveled in my imagination to Nephi 17 where the Savior appears to the Nephites and I watched them kiss His feet. I watched Him heal them and watched as they rejoiced in their new health. I watched Him pray over them while they wept for joy, and watched Him take them in His arms and bless them. Before I knew it the hour was up and the therapists were congratulating me on how still I had been. I didn’t dare tell them I’d left and visited the Land of Bountiful.

Today I think I’ll go to Galilee and see what I can find there.

Grizelda Update

I have been asked a lot of questions so I thought I'd answer them here. First, What is a lymphangioma? Answer: "A large soft tissue tumor composed of cavernous lymphatic spaces. This condition is rare." (I've always been a very generic person, but now I have claim to being one in a million!)

The second question concerns treatment. There are four options:
(1) Do nothing and hope it will go away. In my case, since this occurred in adulthood and not at birth and since it is growing so fast and recurred after being surgically removed doing nothing would mean certain loss of vision in that eye.
(2) Treat with steroids. This would mean long, long term usage of steroids which would not be good for me because of all the side effects, and there is no guarantee that it would shrink the tumor.
(3) Surgery again. This would mean going deeper and being more invasive which would be extremely dangerous and would almost certainly cause blindness.
(4) Radiation with the CyberKnife. Of all the options this is the one most likely to preserve my sight. There are risks with this also, the main one being swelling that would cause the same problems as the tumor. However, they are going to treat for the swelling while doing the radiation and when they went in surgically last December they left a hole from the brain into the orbit which will allow for a little room for swelling.

The last question is whether I have sought a second opinion. I have five opinions. Four of the five concluded that it is lymphangioma instead of hemangioma and say radiation is my only choice to possibly save the vision. The fifth gave an opinion that applied to the hemangioma. In addition, since this condition is so rare one of the doctors sought out other opinions from his colleagues on the Internet.

This has been a very interesting experience. Many people have lovingly offered advice and suggestions. I appreciate it so much. It has made me feel so loved and cared for that at times it brings me to tears. Thank you.

I have been given a blessing that more miracles are on the way, so I am still at peace, and to be truthful, I am enjoying all I am learning. It is amazing what modern science can do. The CyberKnife was only invented in 1990 and has been refined several times over the years. It is a fascinating instrument.

Now, as we begin the radiation, please pray that it will work with no side effect! That is the miracle we are seeking!

My Visit With the Radiologist

I just returned home from the consultation with the radiologist, Dr. Reilly. What I have in my left orbit according to the pathology report is a cavernous hemangioma. These are not uncommon in the brain, but are very uncommon in the orbit. In and of themselves they are usually quite harmless. It is only when they appear in certain positions that they are a problem, and Grizelda is in the worst possible position.

There are a few mysteries here. One is that a hemangioma isn’t supposed to grow, but Grizelda seems to be growing. There are also a few problems here. Radiologists have discovered that when they treat a cavernous hemangioma in the brain with the cyberknife, it causes more harm than good. So they either remove them surgically or leave them alone. Dr. Reilly looked in the radiology journals and could find no precedent for a cavernous hemangioma in the orbit and so he is unsure what to do. He is now going to contact some other doctors who use the cyberknife and see if any of them has dealt with this type of situation before. After consulting with them, we will make a decision whether to go ahead and try the cyberknife or whether we will need to go in surgically again. If they have to go in surgically it will be more invasive than last time.

This is beginning to sound like a soap opera, isn’t it! Stay tuned! Sometime next week we hope to have some answers! In the meantime, keep praying for me. I know that prayers work! Thanks to you all for your love and concern. It really helps at a time like this!